Thanks to the efforts of the elves, the Reindeer Union and the support of the Yeti Council, Occupy North Pole has reached a successful resolution with Santa and all protesting elves will be returning to Santa’s workshop immediately! Santa has agreed to all of our demands and announced his commitment to making this the most wonderful time of the year once again with cookies for all! You get a cookie! You get a cookie! Everyone gets a cookie!
Happy Holidays and bountiful cookies to you and yours from all of us at Occupy North Pole and Studiobanks!
I'm happy to report that our Day of Action succeeded not only in shutting down the Polar Express, but in our larger goal of getting Santa's attention! Chaos reigned at the Polar Express yesterday as our protest disrupted transportation for thousands of arctic residents who were forced to board overcrowded sleds and even don unfashionable snowshoes to reach their destinations. More importantly, we were able to shut down the flow of vital toy making supplies. Not one drop of glue or little airplane propeller made its way to Santa's workshop yesterday! As chaos reached a fever pitch at Polar Express Station, Santa sent word that he would agree to meet to discuss a possible resolution that would bring an end to our protests and restart toy production.
The arctic's Yeti Council has offered to serve as a mediator and will host a meeting with the "Big Three" myself, Rudolph and Santa at Yeti's famed winter cabin. As we meet with Santa, our demands are thus:
Unconditional surrender of half of all cookies collected this year.
Reparations in the form of extra frosting and sprinkles.
A commitment by Santa to invite elves to all future cookie baking parties.
We're confident that with Santa acting in good faith, this meeting will end the cookie inequality we've been fighting against and bring the spirit of the season back to the arctic!
Spurred on by Santa’s unnecessary use of force during the midnight raid, his use of penguin provocateurs and his refusal to meet with us, Occupy North Pole has declared December 20th to be an arctic-wide Day of Action! We call upon all elves to demand cookie reform by shutting down the arctic’s main transportation center: Polar Express Station. Ferrying an estimated 200,000 elves, polar bears, seals and foxes, not to mention the supplies necessary for making toys, the Polar Express is essential to the daily happenings in the North Pole.
As we embark on this day of action, Occupy movements around the world are joining us in our fight. The Occupy Oz movement, with heavy support from the Lollipop Guild, has vowed to stand in solidarity with us, by leading a non-violent shutdown of Oz’s main thoroughfare, Yellow Brick Rd. Meanwhile, Occupy Whoville is reporting increasing tension between peaceful protesters and The Grinch, who one protester described as having “all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile." Other Occupy movements continue to support the cause with Occupy Olympus, Occupy Atlantis and Occupy Narnia all taking up the banner of the 99% to protest in support of Occupy North Pole!
Polar Bear Police Clear ONP Camp During Midnight Raid
Last night Santa ruthlessly dispatched his minions to clear the ONP encampment during a secret midnight raid. Carefully timed to ensure elves were are their sleepiest and the local media was off dreaming of sugarplums, the raid was carried out with swift and callous and methodical precision.
Occupy North Pole has received dozens of shocking reports of last night's midnight raid on the ONP encampment at Santa's ice mansion. All of these reports detail mass confusion and disturbing use of force by the Polar Bear Police department. We continue to ask ourselves why our peaceful assemblies have been met with such overwhelming brutality. We want to thank and encourage our supporters to stay strong during this dark hour.
As Occupy North Pole works to regroup and rebuild our encampment following Santa's midnight raid, protesters from the frontlines of ONP are reporting troubling news. Penguins posing as agent provocateurs are infiltrating the ONP movement in order to incite violence and turn public opinion against ONP. Here are a few easy tips to help you identify agent penguins in your midst:
How to Spot a Penguin:
Penguins are native to the southern hemisphere and are not found in the North Pole. Ask your suspected penguin where he/she grew up. Mention you have a sister who lives there. If the penguin looks startled, press for more details.
Ask your suspected penguin to demonstrate its ability to fly. A real penguin will quickly change the subject or cite an "old protesting injury."
Casually mention to your suspected penguin that you don't think Morgan Freeman is a particularly talented narrator. All penguins revere Morgan Freeman and a true penguin will most likely "come at you, bro."
Engage your penguin in a discussion of current operating systems. Penguins will insist that Linux is the world's most popular OS despite evidence to the contrary.
Penguins typically insist on formal attire. Occasionally a penguin will attempt to conceal its identity by donning a brightly colored sweater. Do not be fooled.
Ex. A & B
Examples of poorly disguised agent penguins in ridiculously bright sweaters.
Last night's Occupy North Pole Rally was a huge success! Armed with protest signs, adult beverages and an endless supply of cookies, Studiobanks and their friends helped us spread the word about the movement. A good time and some good cookies were had by all! Check out some of the pictures of the event below.
In addition to being chock full of sugary fun, the rally seems to have finally gotten Santa's attention. In his first formal announcement since the start of the ONP protest, Santa has threatened to clear the property by "whatever means necessary." Despite Santa's icy bloviations, Occupy North Pole stands firm in our mission! We will not abandon our cause or our encampment until the cookie reform we seek has become a reality! Thanks to everyone who turned out for the party!
Our friends and digital agency of record at Studiobanks are hosting an Occupy North Pole Rally in Charlotte tonight! They're saying no to cookie inequality and yes to yuletide merriment in support of ONP. Banks Wilson, president and creative director of Studiobanks, spoke about his firm's commitment to the cause. Said Banks, "Cookie inequality is an important issue for all of us, especially during the holiday season when cookies are at their most delicious and festive. We decided to hold this rally to bring our friends and family together to celebrate this most wonderful time of the year and fight to ensure that everyone has cookies this year." Studiobanks has sent us over a few rally posters that you can download below to decorate your cube, home and your heart.
Join the Studiobanks crew for the rally at Dilworth Billiards tonight at 6pm as they fight for reform one sugary snack at a time. The time for action, the time for cookies, is now!
Occupy North Pole is proud to announce, that the Reindeer Union is officially joining the ONP movement in solidarity with the elves. Led by Rudolph Reindeer, the RU called a press conference this morning to declare their support for ONP. Reports from Santa’s ice mansion say that members of the RU have already joined protesters and temporary barns are beginning to dot the landscape. Watch Sam the Snowman interview Rudolph about the announcement below.
It's day five of the Occupy North Pole movement and tensions have increased with disturbing reports of excessive force by the Polar Bear Police Department. The most shocking report to emerge thus far pertains to a group of elf apprentices who had peacefully assembled on Candy Cane Lane. Disturbing images from the scene show the Polar Bear Police department casually and deliberately using peppermint spray on these unarmed protestors.
Despite growing outrage over the conduct of the Polar Bear Police Department, Santa has yet to release an official statement and refuses to meet with us. Those with inside knowledge of Santa’s workshop say Santa is keeping an active list of protestors he has deemed “naughty” and may soon call for the removal of all makeshift igloos and gingerbread houses from his property.
For too long Santa has held a monopoly on the North Pole's cookie stash. Not only does Santa's cookie stash account for 87.7% of the total North Pole cookie supply, but many of us also willingly choose to store the few cookies we have in Santa's pantry. We're beholden not only to his schedule and storage preferences, but to sugar and flour fees that serve no other purpose than to further bolster Santa's cookie supplies.
Too Big To Crumble
When Santa's pantry was beset by high humidity levels, who was it that suffered? Elves who had spent their lifetimes diligently saving their cookies thinking they'd be there when they were hungry found nothing but a soggy, inedible mess. Santa's cookie stash was deemed "too big to crumble" and so it was Ma and Pa elf who bore the brunt of the loss—not Santa.
Join Your Local Cookie Storehouse
Occupy North Pole is calling for a regional Move Your Cookie Day to take back our cookies and take back our power! Move your cookies from Santa's pantry into your neighborhood cookie storehouse. This brings our cookies out of Santa's ice mansion and puts them back where they belong—our community. Contact your local cookie storehouse today to learn more about their no-fee storage options and elf-friendly policies.
The Occupy North Pole movement is beginning to gain traction with the local media! Sam the Snowman from the North Pole News Network was down at ONP today reporting on the movement. Watch the full report below.
Welcome to Occupy North Pole’s home on the World Wide Web. We are a leaderless movement bound by the common goal of reducing the inequality of cookie distribution between dedicated, hard-working elves and fat-cat cookie hoarder, Santa Claus.
A History of Cookie Inequality
Santa works just one night a year and reaps the reward of 364 days of elf labor, collecting plate after plate of delicious homemade cookies. Santa did not earn these cookies on his own; rather his cookie stash has been built from the efforts of untold numbers of North Pole elves.
Data from the Christmas Budget Office (CBO) shows that cookie inequality has skyrocketed over the years. From 1992-2007, Santa saw his cookie supply increase 392%; and today, Santa’s cookie stash accounts for a staggering 87.7% of the total North Pole cookie supply. Santa’s cookie stash has grown 10 times faster than the cookie supply of the bottom 99% of North Pole residents.
We are the 99%
In today’s troubled economic times, the disparity between Santa’s cookie stash and the pathetic crumbs left to us elves cannot stand! We call on our arctic brethren to Occupy the North Pole to protest rampant cookie inequality and demand change!
We Are the 99%
Occupy North Pole is a leaderless protest movement aimed at bringing awareness and reform to the inequality of cookie distribution between Santa and the bottom 99% of all North Pole Elves.
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